Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome aboard. My name is Dave, and I will be your pilot today. You will observe that the fasten seatbelt and no smoking signs are illuminated.

Today's flight will hopefully be a long one, punctuated by occasional bouts of hilarity. Should this occur, please ensure your seat is locked in the upright position and your belt firmly fastened. The last thing we want is for anyone to headbutt their monitor.

Should you need one, a sick bag is located beneath your seat. This should be unnecessary as long as I keep my co-pilot, Craig, away from the controls for as long as possible. If the situation requires it, the emergency exit button is located in the top-right of your browser. Yes, that button with the 'X' on it, dummy.

My cabin crew and I welcome your feedback during this voyage, and comments for us may be left as we proceed. Praise, sycophancy and proposals of marriage are highly recommended. Any dissent will have you labelled as "un-American" and you will be sedated and restrained for the rest of the journey. Which, incidentally, will be diverted via Cuba so we can drop you off at Guantanamo Bay.

Parachutes will not be provided.

So sit back and relax. Air stewardesses will soon be coming around to take your orders for hugely overpriced food and drink. Please drink responsibly, unless you have Peter Buck's lawyer.

Thank you.