The Appointment
Today, I went to the dentist.
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Dentist: Open wide, please. Wider. Thank you. Ah, yes, I see. Well, that'll have to come out. Ready?
Me: OK, is it going to hurt?
Dentist: Maybe just a little. OK, here we go.
Me: Ah-ahhhh.
Dentist: All done.
Me: Thank you, can I have my wallet back now?
Dentist: Certainly. Now, if you'd like to get on the chair, we'll have a look in your mouth.
Me: I promise there's no money in there.
Dentist: We'll see. OK, well. You'll definitely need braces, I can tell you that now.
Me: How could you tell so quickly?
Dentist: You've left your trousers over there.
Me: Ah.
Dentist: Don't worry, it happens all the time. Let's see. You seem to have something lodged behind your front teeth, I'll see if I can scrape it out.
Me: Owww! That's my tongue!
Dentist: Oh. Is it? Well, I'm afraid I can't do anything about that for you, but you should probably get it seen to.
Me: I do. Every time I have a check-up, the doctor asks to see my tongue, but he never deals with it. He just ticks the box marked "Tongue".
Dentist: What a shame. The rest of it looks OK, though. Now, have you been experiencing any pain?
Me: Well, it's been tough at home recently. I don't think my mother likes me all that much, we're falling out all the time. But then I get so very lonely at night, and I don't feel like I have anyone to turn to.
Dentist: OK, can you feel it if I press there?
Me: Nope.
Dentist: What about if I press this one at the back?
Me: Yes, there it is.
Dentist: Well I think you're right, it might be the empty hole in your life that's causing it, as you said. I'm afraid that's going to need filling. I'd like to offer your companionship and intimacy, but all I've got is amalgam.
Me: Oh, not another.
Dentist: Ah, you've done this before? Good, so you know the drill.
Me: Is this really necessary?
Dentist: Well, either I drill and fill, or I'll have to take it out.
Me: Can't you just leave it alone?
Dentist: Can I just leave it alone? I'm a dentist, this is what I do. This is what I was made for. This is my destiny! I poke, I pry, I tut knowingly. I am a man of action! When my time is up, and I meet my Maker, how will I come before him and say, "I had a fairly nice life, I just left everything alone"? Do you think that is what he wants to hear? Is this what you want?
Me: Yes! Well, no, I mean, well, maybe a little. Look, what do you want from me?
Dentist: I want the tooth!
Me: You can't handle the tooth!
Dentist: Oh, go on.
Me: No.
Dentist: Please?
Me: No!
Dentist: I never get to do any of that exciting stuff anymore, everyone has such excellent dental hygiene, and I'm just so bored. There's one patient, Mr Lehman, he's 85, and every winter I remove one of his false teeth, and every summer I replace it with a new one.
Me: Does he not notice?
Dentist: I wouldn't have thought so. He left his dentures here in 1995, when he moved away.
Me: Well, I'm still not letting you do it. And also, I'm leaving.
Dentist: Wait, don't go. How about a quick polish? This new one's got anti-static. What do you say?
Me: You're not right.
(I storm out of the room, and down the stairs.)
Dentist: ...
Wait! You forgot your trousers.
-------------------------------
Dentist: Open wide, please. Wider. Thank you. Ah, yes, I see. Well, that'll have to come out. Ready?
Me: OK, is it going to hurt?
Dentist: Maybe just a little. OK, here we go.
Me: Ah-ahhhh.
Dentist: All done.
Me: Thank you, can I have my wallet back now?
Dentist: Certainly. Now, if you'd like to get on the chair, we'll have a look in your mouth.
Me: I promise there's no money in there.
Dentist: We'll see. OK, well. You'll definitely need braces, I can tell you that now.
Me: How could you tell so quickly?
Dentist: You've left your trousers over there.
Me: Ah.
Dentist: Don't worry, it happens all the time. Let's see. You seem to have something lodged behind your front teeth, I'll see if I can scrape it out.
Me: Owww! That's my tongue!
Dentist: Oh. Is it? Well, I'm afraid I can't do anything about that for you, but you should probably get it seen to.
Me: I do. Every time I have a check-up, the doctor asks to see my tongue, but he never deals with it. He just ticks the box marked "Tongue".
Dentist: What a shame. The rest of it looks OK, though. Now, have you been experiencing any pain?
Me: Well, it's been tough at home recently. I don't think my mother likes me all that much, we're falling out all the time. But then I get so very lonely at night, and I don't feel like I have anyone to turn to.
Dentist: OK, can you feel it if I press there?
Me: Nope.
Dentist: What about if I press this one at the back?
Me: Yes, there it is.
Dentist: Well I think you're right, it might be the empty hole in your life that's causing it, as you said. I'm afraid that's going to need filling. I'd like to offer your companionship and intimacy, but all I've got is amalgam.
Me: Oh, not another.
Dentist: Ah, you've done this before? Good, so you know the drill.
Me: Is this really necessary?
Dentist: Well, either I drill and fill, or I'll have to take it out.
Me: Can't you just leave it alone?
Dentist: Can I just leave it alone? I'm a dentist, this is what I do. This is what I was made for. This is my destiny! I poke, I pry, I tut knowingly. I am a man of action! When my time is up, and I meet my Maker, how will I come before him and say, "I had a fairly nice life, I just left everything alone"? Do you think that is what he wants to hear? Is this what you want?
Me: Yes! Well, no, I mean, well, maybe a little. Look, what do you want from me?
Dentist: I want the tooth!
Me: You can't handle the tooth!
Dentist: Oh, go on.
Me: No.
Dentist: Please?
Me: No!
Dentist: I never get to do any of that exciting stuff anymore, everyone has such excellent dental hygiene, and I'm just so bored. There's one patient, Mr Lehman, he's 85, and every winter I remove one of his false teeth, and every summer I replace it with a new one.
Me: Does he not notice?
Dentist: I wouldn't have thought so. He left his dentures here in 1995, when he moved away.
Me: Well, I'm still not letting you do it. And also, I'm leaving.
Dentist: Wait, don't go. How about a quick polish? This new one's got anti-static. What do you say?
Me: You're not right.
(I storm out of the room, and down the stairs.)
Dentist: ...
Wait! You forgot your trousers.
