The News 02/01/05
Good afternoon, the time is six-thirty-six-ish, here are this morning's headlines.
Dangerous Chemicals Found In Iraq
Progress Made in Northern Ireland
New Year Recalled
First, tonight's top story. In a statement today, President Bush has revealed the discovery of large stockpiles of chemicals in Iraq. The chemicals discovered have until now been hidden deep underground, in what are assumed to be vast reservoirs which stretch across much of the country.
"The chemical that has been discovered," explained the President, "is a crude mixture of hydrocarbons of varying chain length. The experts dealing with it have taken to calling it 'Offensive Incendiary Liquid', or OIL for short."
"This OIL," he continued, "is already being used by the insurgents against our forces. They fill bottles with it, then throw them at soldiers. They fill cars with it, then explode them at our checkpoints. But don't worry, Dick [Cheney] has had a word with some of his buddies at Haliburton, and they said that since they're already in the country, they'll take it away at no extra charge! How nice are those guys?!"
The safe removal of the OIL will begin as soon as possible. "The sooner we get the OIL out of the hands of the Iraqi people, the better," explained Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld.
Said Tony Blair when asked by reporters, "We went into Iraq with a purpose. And now we can finally hold up our hands and say 'Look, you doubted us, but after all this time we finally have what it is that we were after'.
An important concession has been made in the peace process in Northern Ireland, as the IRA, a terrorist organisation, have agreed to send artist's impressions of the dismantling of weapons. Sinn Fein leader Martin McGuinness, a terrorist and politician, has described the move as "very exciting. Not only does it represent a real step forward in the peace process, but it will allow several talented, Northern Irish artists to receive some mainstream attention."
It is believed that a large number of artists from the small but growing Belfast abstract art movement have been contacted to contribute to the project, which will be exhibited in the Tate Modern next March. Reverend Ian Paisley, a terrorist and man of God, is said to have accepted this compromise, providing he can have a couple framed for his home.
The couple, from County Down, were unavailable for comment.
The new year, 2005, has been recalled after only two days. Despite intensive testing prior to the launch date, the new year has numerous faults and defects which have left the general public exposed to huge health and safety risks.
A spokesman has given some details of the problems in an official statement. "We can confirm that parts of 2005 did not meet up to our usual high standards. We were particularly concerned when February was given a full 31 days, which has be blamed on a misprint in the original specification. It was only spotted at the final minute by which point the month had been irrevocably stretched so that even when the extra three days were removed, the other twenty eight rattled around uncontrollably. A new version of February will be constructed from scratch for the relaunch."
"There were other smaller problems that required adjustment. The months of March, April and May were adjudged to not be springy enough which was particularly worrying as many of our users expect a lot of spring in those months. The Summer and Winter Breaks needed tightening a little. Finally, early studies showed that January 1st was missing the New Year smell that many expect and, indeed, look forward to." When further pushed the spokesman said that January 1st had a number of different smells, three of which were methylated spirits.
It is believed that nearly all of the new year has been reclaimed, and replacement parts procured. In most cases the earlier 2004 has been issued, though because of some shortages, other years have been allocated where necessary. This has caused many problems. A elderly man from Swindow suffered a fatal cardiac arrest when he could not keep up with the sexual appetites and inventiveness of his wife, who was in 1962. An office worker from Swansea were pleased, however, to gain up to five extra years to finish next Thursday's presentation. The new Year is expected in the New Year.
And finally, the Brief in News.
A horsebox involved in a serious traffic accident on the M40 has been rushed to hospital for emergency treatment. Its condition has been described as stable.
A Shell petrol station suffered several hundred thousands pounds' worth of damage Saturday at their jet wash in Manchester when the jet in question misjudged its landing, crushing a Vauxall Cavalier.
A man from Birmingham had to spend Christmas Day in jail away from his family and children, despite posting bail on the 23rd. The man's lawyers say he is regretting the decision to send it second class so close to Christmas.
Thank you, and good night.
Dangerous Chemicals Found In Iraq
Progress Made in Northern Ireland
New Year Recalled
First, tonight's top story. In a statement today, President Bush has revealed the discovery of large stockpiles of chemicals in Iraq. The chemicals discovered have until now been hidden deep underground, in what are assumed to be vast reservoirs which stretch across much of the country.
"The chemical that has been discovered," explained the President, "is a crude mixture of hydrocarbons of varying chain length. The experts dealing with it have taken to calling it 'Offensive Incendiary Liquid', or OIL for short."
"This OIL," he continued, "is already being used by the insurgents against our forces. They fill bottles with it, then throw them at soldiers. They fill cars with it, then explode them at our checkpoints. But don't worry, Dick [Cheney] has had a word with some of his buddies at Haliburton, and they said that since they're already in the country, they'll take it away at no extra charge! How nice are those guys?!"
The safe removal of the OIL will begin as soon as possible. "The sooner we get the OIL out of the hands of the Iraqi people, the better," explained Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld.
Said Tony Blair when asked by reporters, "We went into Iraq with a purpose. And now we can finally hold up our hands and say 'Look, you doubted us, but after all this time we finally have what it is that we were after'.
******
An important concession has been made in the peace process in Northern Ireland, as the IRA, a terrorist organisation, have agreed to send artist's impressions of the dismantling of weapons. Sinn Fein leader Martin McGuinness, a terrorist and politician, has described the move as "very exciting. Not only does it represent a real step forward in the peace process, but it will allow several talented, Northern Irish artists to receive some mainstream attention."
It is believed that a large number of artists from the small but growing Belfast abstract art movement have been contacted to contribute to the project, which will be exhibited in the Tate Modern next March. Reverend Ian Paisley, a terrorist and man of God, is said to have accepted this compromise, providing he can have a couple framed for his home.
The couple, from County Down, were unavailable for comment.
******
The new year, 2005, has been recalled after only two days. Despite intensive testing prior to the launch date, the new year has numerous faults and defects which have left the general public exposed to huge health and safety risks.
A spokesman has given some details of the problems in an official statement. "We can confirm that parts of 2005 did not meet up to our usual high standards. We were particularly concerned when February was given a full 31 days, which has be blamed on a misprint in the original specification. It was only spotted at the final minute by which point the month had been irrevocably stretched so that even when the extra three days were removed, the other twenty eight rattled around uncontrollably. A new version of February will be constructed from scratch for the relaunch."
"There were other smaller problems that required adjustment. The months of March, April and May were adjudged to not be springy enough which was particularly worrying as many of our users expect a lot of spring in those months. The Summer and Winter Breaks needed tightening a little. Finally, early studies showed that January 1st was missing the New Year smell that many expect and, indeed, look forward to." When further pushed the spokesman said that January 1st had a number of different smells, three of which were methylated spirits.
It is believed that nearly all of the new year has been reclaimed, and replacement parts procured. In most cases the earlier 2004 has been issued, though because of some shortages, other years have been allocated where necessary. This has caused many problems. A elderly man from Swindow suffered a fatal cardiac arrest when he could not keep up with the sexual appetites and inventiveness of his wife, who was in 1962. An office worker from Swansea were pleased, however, to gain up to five extra years to finish next Thursday's presentation. The new Year is expected in the New Year.
******
And finally, the Brief in News.
A horsebox involved in a serious traffic accident on the M40 has been rushed to hospital for emergency treatment. Its condition has been described as stable.
A Shell petrol station suffered several hundred thousands pounds' worth of damage Saturday at their jet wash in Manchester when the jet in question misjudged its landing, crushing a Vauxall Cavalier.
A man from Birmingham had to spend Christmas Day in jail away from his family and children, despite posting bail on the 23rd. The man's lawyers say he is regretting the decision to send it second class so close to Christmas.
******
Thank you, and good night.
