News 04/02/05
The time is the fourth of February, the headlines are imminent.
Police Arrest "Shoebox Stuffing" Suspect
Decriminalisation Protest in London
Man Bores Neighbours to Death
Police believe they may finally have caught the man thought responsible for a lengthy campaign of putting paper tissue in new shoes. Steven Wainwright, who can not be named for legal reasons, has be remanded in custody while police await forensic results matching paper samples from the man's house to samples from crime scenes.
A dawn raid on the suspect's house revealed a massive stash of crumpled up toilet paper, with a street value of £1.2 million, in the upstairs bedrooms. Despite this, police still had nothing to go on, until an anonymous tip-off from the manager of the Clark's in Evesham, where until recently the suspect had worked.
Wainwright is believed to have gained employment at all the major shoe shops in the UK over the past twenty years. He was fired from his last job over allegations of indecent assault, theft, blackmail and battery. Inquiries into these charges were dropped when police received news that a large shipment of tissue paper was expected from South America.
"In cases like this, we have to realise when we have bigger fish to fry", said DCI Peter Ravenscroft of Scotland Yard, while in Somerfield buying three gallons of extra virgin olive oil.
Wainwright was ambushed and arrested as he waited to receive the delivery. He was charged when forensics proved his fingerprints were found on many things he had touched and all over his hands.
It is currently believed that Wainwright is a member of an international paper stuffing ring with operations in Central Europe and the United States. Wainwright is thought to have operated mainly in England, because most parts of Wales and Scotland are too poor to afford shoes. As a child, a close family member recalled, he used to practice leaving small bits of tissue paper around the family home, in cups, salt cellars, keyholes and on one memorably tragic occasion, their hamster, Howard.
The campaign of terror has left millions of shoe buyers baffled, angry and confused and three dead.
Mike Richards, a convicted murderer, points out that crime could be a major source of tax revenue for the government if it were legalised. Steve Barton, a serial rapist, is keen to emphasise the medicinal benefits of crime. Eric Forester, still at large for several high-profile bank robberies, concluded by saying, "the law as it currently stands is very out of date. Some crimes have been illegal since Biblical times, some even before. It's time the government joined the twenty-first century and stopped tried to interfere in the lives of responsible adults". The men posed for a few press photos, (front and side) holding their Fundraising Hotline Number across their midriffs.
Protesters will be spreading their message in a variety of ways. Many are bringing banners and placards, of which we were lucky enough to get a glimpse. "Get away with Murder", read one, and in a similar vein, others read "Get away with Tax Fraud", "Get away with Animal Cruelty" and "Get away with a Plethora of Minor Parking Offences". Flyers have been left all along the streets around Oxford Street. At the culmination of the day, at 3pm, they will host the First Annual Loot-in. One protestor, former prisoner 345 6756, explained the idea. "We saw other protestors doing a sit-in, which was basically just people sittin' ", Mr 6756 explained, "and that's when we thought about doing a loot-in". Mr 6756 had to go off to deal with some last minute arrangements before he could explain exactly what the loot-in would entail.
The group has some support from other places. The police are believed to be supporting the move. "The modern police force is severely undermanned, and simply does not have the time or resources to deal with cases of crime," said Chief Superintendent Arnold Parkinson. MP for South West Wigston, Laurence Kerfuffle said in an interview this past weekend, "I didn't do it, I wasn't there, she said I could, and any attempts to take the matter to a court of law will simply be incriminating."
What began as a regular dinner ended with two dead and one seriously injured when the host, 36, finally brought the conversation around to his favourite topic, ink jet printers.
Two of the victims, a couple that lived next door, suffered repeated blows of boredom to the skull and upper chest area. Forensics working at the scene believed they might have been hit with over twenty excruciatingly boring statistics. The other victim, the host's wife, was taken to hospital to be treated for trauma and severe tedium. Doctors have described the woman as "lucky", saying that she can attribute her survival to the immunity created by fourteen years of marital monotony. She is being treated with mildly entertaining daytime television game shows.
While the perpetrator remains in custody, it is not yet certain whether there are murder charges to be answered to. Some experts have argued that the act of turning up to dinner on that evening was itself an act of suicide.
And now, a quick look at the economy.
FTSE is was up early this morning, but has since gone back to bed.
The Euro is up on the pound, the dollar is up against the wall. The Yen was up, and offered to put the kettle on.
The price of oil has doubled per barrel overnight, but then so has the size of the barrel.
And finally, the row over the impending pensions crisis will move onto a new stage today when the Chancellor unveils his newest solution, which mixes fiscal prudence with prime time reality TV. Pensioners will form a queue outside the Post Office. When they leave the queue, they are out of the game. When five remain, they will be given their pension. The others leave ... with nothing.
That's all now, stay indoors, and a very good night.
Police Arrest "Shoebox Stuffing" Suspect
Decriminalisation Protest in London
Man Bores Neighbours to Death
Police believe they may finally have caught the man thought responsible for a lengthy campaign of putting paper tissue in new shoes. Steven Wainwright, who can not be named for legal reasons, has be remanded in custody while police await forensic results matching paper samples from the man's house to samples from crime scenes.
A dawn raid on the suspect's house revealed a massive stash of crumpled up toilet paper, with a street value of £1.2 million, in the upstairs bedrooms. Despite this, police still had nothing to go on, until an anonymous tip-off from the manager of the Clark's in Evesham, where until recently the suspect had worked.
Wainwright is believed to have gained employment at all the major shoe shops in the UK over the past twenty years. He was fired from his last job over allegations of indecent assault, theft, blackmail and battery. Inquiries into these charges were dropped when police received news that a large shipment of tissue paper was expected from South America.
"In cases like this, we have to realise when we have bigger fish to fry", said DCI Peter Ravenscroft of Scotland Yard, while in Somerfield buying three gallons of extra virgin olive oil.
Wainwright was ambushed and arrested as he waited to receive the delivery. He was charged when forensics proved his fingerprints were found on many things he had touched and all over his hands.
It is currently believed that Wainwright is a member of an international paper stuffing ring with operations in Central Europe and the United States. Wainwright is thought to have operated mainly in England, because most parts of Wales and Scotland are too poor to afford shoes. As a child, a close family member recalled, he used to practice leaving small bits of tissue paper around the family home, in cups, salt cellars, keyholes and on one memorably tragic occasion, their hamster, Howard.
The campaign of terror has left millions of shoe buyers baffled, angry and confused and three dead.
******
Tomorrow, the centre of London will become the location of a peaceful protest by campaigners for the decriminalisation of crime. Speaking exclusively to all the major newspapers at a press conference, the group at the heart of the protest, which has members from many different backgrounds, believes the case for allowing crime is a compelling one.Mike Richards, a convicted murderer, points out that crime could be a major source of tax revenue for the government if it were legalised. Steve Barton, a serial rapist, is keen to emphasise the medicinal benefits of crime. Eric Forester, still at large for several high-profile bank robberies, concluded by saying, "the law as it currently stands is very out of date. Some crimes have been illegal since Biblical times, some even before. It's time the government joined the twenty-first century and stopped tried to interfere in the lives of responsible adults". The men posed for a few press photos, (front and side) holding their Fundraising Hotline Number across their midriffs.
Protesters will be spreading their message in a variety of ways. Many are bringing banners and placards, of which we were lucky enough to get a glimpse. "Get away with Murder", read one, and in a similar vein, others read "Get away with Tax Fraud", "Get away with Animal Cruelty" and "Get away with a Plethora of Minor Parking Offences". Flyers have been left all along the streets around Oxford Street. At the culmination of the day, at 3pm, they will host the First Annual Loot-in. One protestor, former prisoner 345 6756, explained the idea. "We saw other protestors doing a sit-in, which was basically just people sittin' ", Mr 6756 explained, "and that's when we thought about doing a loot-in". Mr 6756 had to go off to deal with some last minute arrangements before he could explain exactly what the loot-in would entail.
The group has some support from other places. The police are believed to be supporting the move. "The modern police force is severely undermanned, and simply does not have the time or resources to deal with cases of crime," said Chief Superintendent Arnold Parkinson. MP for South West Wigston, Laurence Kerfuffle said in an interview this past weekend, "I didn't do it, I wasn't there, she said I could, and any attempts to take the matter to a court of law will simply be incriminating."
******
What began as a regular dinner ended with two dead and one seriously injured when the host, 36, finally brought the conversation around to his favourite topic, ink jet printers.
Two of the victims, a couple that lived next door, suffered repeated blows of boredom to the skull and upper chest area. Forensics working at the scene believed they might have been hit with over twenty excruciatingly boring statistics. The other victim, the host's wife, was taken to hospital to be treated for trauma and severe tedium. Doctors have described the woman as "lucky", saying that she can attribute her survival to the immunity created by fourteen years of marital monotony. She is being treated with mildly entertaining daytime television game shows.
While the perpetrator remains in custody, it is not yet certain whether there are murder charges to be answered to. Some experts have argued that the act of turning up to dinner on that evening was itself an act of suicide.
******
And now, a quick look at the economy.
FTSE is was up early this morning, but has since gone back to bed.
The Euro is up on the pound, the dollar is up against the wall. The Yen was up, and offered to put the kettle on.
The price of oil has doubled per barrel overnight, but then so has the size of the barrel.
And finally, the row over the impending pensions crisis will move onto a new stage today when the Chancellor unveils his newest solution, which mixes fiscal prudence with prime time reality TV. Pensioners will form a queue outside the Post Office. When they leave the queue, they are out of the game. When five remain, they will be given their pension. The others leave ... with nothing.
******
That's all now, stay indoors, and a very good night.
