The News 5/3/05
Welcome to the News at 6.36-ish. Tonight's headlines are full of efficiency.
Unemployment Rate Becomes "Just Another Statistic"
New Cancer Scare
Undiscovered Species Dies Out in Amazon Basin
Despite a lengthy battle in government and the law courts, the unemployment figures have become just another statistic.
Since the early 1800's, the unemployment figures of the UK have managed to rise about the hubris that is the vast number of statistics created every year. It has remained a focal point of policy debate, international comparison and election promises since that time, and had enjoyed a moderate amount of celebrity. However, it seems like its glory days have passed. Leaving Westminister today, it gave a short official comment: "It does indeed look like I am to become just another statistic. It has been a long adventure, but it probably is time to step back."
One major problem is that there is not one but two ways of counting unemployment in this country, which do not always correlate perfectly. The first counts all the people who buy supermarket own-brand products as opposed to the more tasty alternatives. This method relies on the underlying assumption that all unemployed people are too poor to have any real taste. By this count, the UK has unemployment of 54 million.
The second is used much more widely in Europe. The Are You Working (AYW) Survey is handed out to employees at a Flatch and Co, a textile firm near Dudley. From this sample, an estimate of national unemployment is derived. Roger Saunders, one of the statisticians who developed the AYW measure, argues that "while there may be a slight bias towards under-reporting unemployment through this measure, demographically, numerically, topographically and horticulturally the sample is entirely representative of the UK as a whole". The AYW unemployment rate soared in early 1994 when one of the surveyed men was fired moments before he filled in his form.
Another criticism of the unemployment rate is that it is too narrowly defined. It was argued that the Thatcher government deliberately removed all vegetables and small aquatic birds from official numbers to mislead voters into thinking that unemployment had actually fallen. In the mean time, for example, unemployment of carrots doubled threefold, leading to an massive surge in the carrot suicide rate, a phenomenon called "Carrot-Topping".
The search is now on for a replacement statistic to enter political circles with as much importance as the unemployment rate once had. Old standards such as real income per capita and long run productivity growth have already been linked with the position, but to the fray has been added a range of new fresh statistics, such as mean time spent being mean and aggregate slack. The UK, a new study has suggested, is "quite slack, like a pair of trousers you now just keep for after Sunday dinners".
New research has suggested that researching the causes of cancer can cause cancer. The findings, by a team from Imperial College in London, have been described as "pretty funny". Dr. Tom Sherwood, the team leader, commented "It's quite ironic, when you think about it. Here we are trying to list the many, many things that you shouldn't do because they increases the risk of getting cancer, and it turns out that that is itself a risky activity. It definitely caused a few laughs in the staffroom, I can tell you".
This news team hopes the entire team of researchers makes a speedy recovery.
A rare and undiscovered creature that inhabited the Amazon rainforest is now extinct, conservationists are claiming.
The creature, which is being described as a bit like a bat, only with a dorsal fin, had only been spotted once, by a man no-one has heard from since. However, environmental groups are "pretty sure it has now all died out". However, despite intense lobbying of the government to put pressure on the Brazilian authorities to protect the animal, its fate was sealed by a rarely cited clause of the 1992 World Summit agreement that guaranteed only animals that were proven to exist were entitled to population protection.
MPs in the Commons have bombared the Prime Minister with probing questions that implied his failure to act was related to the threat this possibly ficticious creature posed to large UK corporations. "The problem is that we all know so little," said the Prime Minister in response, a sentiment that caused widespread agreement within government. The Daily Mail ran a short campaign to raise awareness and get support for the cause, under the tag line "Would this poor creature be allowed to die out if he was claiming asylum in the UK?".
The most controversial assertion on the subject is that the now extinct species wasn't animal at all, but that it could have been a vegetable or even a mineral. We asked leading exctinction expert, Dr. H. Shebert about this, but twenty questions later, we were no closer to a definite answer. "The important thing we can all take from this", the academic said, "is the knowledge that yes, this was real, this really happened, but that I did nothing to stop it."
And now for a look at the weather. It will be generally cloudy over much of the country.
Some parts will be getting a lot of sun.
Coastal areas will be hit with some unexpected downpours.
And now for the outlook. Although the week might get off to a nice start, it will be turning nasty later on.
That's all for now, and also for now. Goodnight.
Unemployment Rate Becomes "Just Another Statistic"
New Cancer Scare
Undiscovered Species Dies Out in Amazon Basin
Despite a lengthy battle in government and the law courts, the unemployment figures have become just another statistic.
Since the early 1800's, the unemployment figures of the UK have managed to rise about the hubris that is the vast number of statistics created every year. It has remained a focal point of policy debate, international comparison and election promises since that time, and had enjoyed a moderate amount of celebrity. However, it seems like its glory days have passed. Leaving Westminister today, it gave a short official comment: "It does indeed look like I am to become just another statistic. It has been a long adventure, but it probably is time to step back."
One major problem is that there is not one but two ways of counting unemployment in this country, which do not always correlate perfectly. The first counts all the people who buy supermarket own-brand products as opposed to the more tasty alternatives. This method relies on the underlying assumption that all unemployed people are too poor to have any real taste. By this count, the UK has unemployment of 54 million.
The second is used much more widely in Europe. The Are You Working (AYW) Survey is handed out to employees at a Flatch and Co, a textile firm near Dudley. From this sample, an estimate of national unemployment is derived. Roger Saunders, one of the statisticians who developed the AYW measure, argues that "while there may be a slight bias towards under-reporting unemployment through this measure, demographically, numerically, topographically and horticulturally the sample is entirely representative of the UK as a whole". The AYW unemployment rate soared in early 1994 when one of the surveyed men was fired moments before he filled in his form.
Another criticism of the unemployment rate is that it is too narrowly defined. It was argued that the Thatcher government deliberately removed all vegetables and small aquatic birds from official numbers to mislead voters into thinking that unemployment had actually fallen. In the mean time, for example, unemployment of carrots doubled threefold, leading to an massive surge in the carrot suicide rate, a phenomenon called "Carrot-Topping".
The search is now on for a replacement statistic to enter political circles with as much importance as the unemployment rate once had. Old standards such as real income per capita and long run productivity growth have already been linked with the position, but to the fray has been added a range of new fresh statistics, such as mean time spent being mean and aggregate slack. The UK, a new study has suggested, is "quite slack, like a pair of trousers you now just keep for after Sunday dinners".
******
New research has suggested that researching the causes of cancer can cause cancer. The findings, by a team from Imperial College in London, have been described as "pretty funny". Dr. Tom Sherwood, the team leader, commented "It's quite ironic, when you think about it. Here we are trying to list the many, many things that you shouldn't do because they increases the risk of getting cancer, and it turns out that that is itself a risky activity. It definitely caused a few laughs in the staffroom, I can tell you".
This news team hopes the entire team of researchers makes a speedy recovery.
******
A rare and undiscovered creature that inhabited the Amazon rainforest is now extinct, conservationists are claiming.
The creature, which is being described as a bit like a bat, only with a dorsal fin, had only been spotted once, by a man no-one has heard from since. However, environmental groups are "pretty sure it has now all died out". However, despite intense lobbying of the government to put pressure on the Brazilian authorities to protect the animal, its fate was sealed by a rarely cited clause of the 1992 World Summit agreement that guaranteed only animals that were proven to exist were entitled to population protection.
MPs in the Commons have bombared the Prime Minister with probing questions that implied his failure to act was related to the threat this possibly ficticious creature posed to large UK corporations. "The problem is that we all know so little," said the Prime Minister in response, a sentiment that caused widespread agreement within government. The Daily Mail ran a short campaign to raise awareness and get support for the cause, under the tag line "Would this poor creature be allowed to die out if he was claiming asylum in the UK?".
The most controversial assertion on the subject is that the now extinct species wasn't animal at all, but that it could have been a vegetable or even a mineral. We asked leading exctinction expert, Dr. H. Shebert about this, but twenty questions later, we were no closer to a definite answer. "The important thing we can all take from this", the academic said, "is the knowledge that yes, this was real, this really happened, but that I did nothing to stop it."
******
And now for a look at the weather. It will be generally cloudy over much of the country.
Some parts will be getting a lot of sun.
Coastal areas will be hit with some unexpected downpours.
And now for the outlook. Although the week might get off to a nice start, it will be turning nasty later on.
That's all for now, and also for now. Goodnight.
******
