The World... Explained #5: Women
Understanding women is one of the pivotal challenges of modern science. Outwardly, they seem similar to men in many ways; both are large hominids, both are capable of tool use, be it the monkey wrench or the hair dryer, and both have been known to enjoy watching Friends. But beneath the surface lie a multitude of differences which continue to confound evolutionary psychologists. It is some of these which this edition of The World... Explained seeks to highlight and explain.
The primary difference that must be considered is simple: women are not as good as men. In days gone by, this was considered to be a bad thing to say, an indication of uninformed chauvinism. But research commissioned by Project Brainstorm has shown it to be unequivocally true. The women's 100 metre world record is 10.49 seconds. The men's is a mere 9.78 seconds. Simple arithmetic proves men to be 7.26% better than women. Furthermore, men traditionally run the 110 metres hurdles, whereas women compete over 100 metres. This suggests that the true number may be higher. Experts still debate the true value of the number, but most estimates are of this order.
The fact that women are not as good as men is recognised quite widely. One result is that women are paid less than men. Employers recognise that a woman in the same job would be less effective than a man, and pays accordingly. A recent study showed that women in Scotland are paid on average 15% less than a man in the same job. The observant among you will have noticed that 15 is a larger number than 7.26. The other 7.74% difference is because employers realise that women would only spend the money on shoes. Men spend their money on more sensible things like fast cars, computer games and, less sensibly, shoes for women. The government is known to have a task force investigating how the latter may be prevented.
The pathological desire to acquire shoes is a curious feature of the female psyche. A man owns, at most, two pairs of shoes at any one time. This time is when he is returning home from buying a new pair, and has not yet had time to discard the old pair. Some shops now have disposal facilities located by the door, so that a man may simply wear the new pair home. Women, however, seem to think that the optimal number of shoes to own is 283. The fact that the number is odd is a consequence of them not noticing that one shoe of the pair is missing. Who would, with 141 other pairs to wear?
The manufacture of this many shoes is starting to place a drain upon the economy. Especially concerning is the rise in 'wear once and discard' shoes, which prevent the woman from feeling guilty about never wearing the same hideously uncomfortable pair twice. Strangely, these are still far more expensive than the single pair owned by the man, the ones which last him for several years.
Women are also known to occasionally suffer a nasty condition which involves their abdomen swelling to approximately twice its original size, then being forced to take several months off work. Given the length of their absence, it is possible that they are going to the toilet. During this time they are slowly deflated using a suction pump.
Experiments that involve observing women under controlled conditions have revealed a startling discovery; that they suffer mood swings on a near monthly basis. The precise cause of this is yet to be firmly established, but favoured theories currently point to a dependence upon the rotation of the moon about the Earth, and its gravitational effects upon the water in their brains. The effect is not observed in men for the reason that they have larger, more evolved brains which provide effective screening of the gravitational force.
While this is by no means an exhaustive account of the strange creature known as woman, it covers the basics well enough that you should at least have a decent edge in your encounters with them. Always remember; knowledge is power. And so they don't stand a chance.
The primary difference that must be considered is simple: women are not as good as men. In days gone by, this was considered to be a bad thing to say, an indication of uninformed chauvinism. But research commissioned by Project Brainstorm has shown it to be unequivocally true. The women's 100 metre world record is 10.49 seconds. The men's is a mere 9.78 seconds. Simple arithmetic proves men to be 7.26% better than women. Furthermore, men traditionally run the 110 metres hurdles, whereas women compete over 100 metres. This suggests that the true number may be higher. Experts still debate the true value of the number, but most estimates are of this order.
The fact that women are not as good as men is recognised quite widely. One result is that women are paid less than men. Employers recognise that a woman in the same job would be less effective than a man, and pays accordingly. A recent study showed that women in Scotland are paid on average 15% less than a man in the same job. The observant among you will have noticed that 15 is a larger number than 7.26. The other 7.74% difference is because employers realise that women would only spend the money on shoes. Men spend their money on more sensible things like fast cars, computer games and, less sensibly, shoes for women. The government is known to have a task force investigating how the latter may be prevented.
The pathological desire to acquire shoes is a curious feature of the female psyche. A man owns, at most, two pairs of shoes at any one time. This time is when he is returning home from buying a new pair, and has not yet had time to discard the old pair. Some shops now have disposal facilities located by the door, so that a man may simply wear the new pair home. Women, however, seem to think that the optimal number of shoes to own is 283. The fact that the number is odd is a consequence of them not noticing that one shoe of the pair is missing. Who would, with 141 other pairs to wear?
The manufacture of this many shoes is starting to place a drain upon the economy. Especially concerning is the rise in 'wear once and discard' shoes, which prevent the woman from feeling guilty about never wearing the same hideously uncomfortable pair twice. Strangely, these are still far more expensive than the single pair owned by the man, the ones which last him for several years.
Women are also known to occasionally suffer a nasty condition which involves their abdomen swelling to approximately twice its original size, then being forced to take several months off work. Given the length of their absence, it is possible that they are going to the toilet. During this time they are slowly deflated using a suction pump.
Experiments that involve observing women under controlled conditions have revealed a startling discovery; that they suffer mood swings on a near monthly basis. The precise cause of this is yet to be firmly established, but favoured theories currently point to a dependence upon the rotation of the moon about the Earth, and its gravitational effects upon the water in their brains. The effect is not observed in men for the reason that they have larger, more evolved brains which provide effective screening of the gravitational force.
While this is by no means an exhaustive account of the strange creature known as woman, it covers the basics well enough that you should at least have a decent edge in your encounters with them. Always remember; knowledge is power. And so they don't stand a chance.
