The Election In Brief
With the general election just 17 days away, now is the time to feign an interest in politics. But with today's hectic lifestyle, who has the time? To help you with this problem, Project Brainstorm is committed to presenting the vital information in as concentrated a form as possible, so that you can quickly get through the tedious necessity and stop thinking. Consider us the absinthe of politics.
Today, we begin with a discussion of the major issues and a summary of what the parties say about each. In later articles, we will move on to directly telling you what to think, and we hope to bring you the election results sometime around May 2nd, allowing you to spend the rest of that week in bed.
When the Labour Party unveiled their election banner reading "Who do you want running the country?", they were uncharacteristically direct and to the point. Many people consider this question when deciding how to vote. Opinion here is divided perhaps more than anywhere else.
-The Labour Party think it should be Tony Blair.
-The Conservatives think it should be Michael Howard.
-The Liberal Democrats think it should be Charles Kennedy, but know this just isn't going to happen.
-The British National Party think it should be Nick Griffin, but realise it's tricky to run a country from a prison cell.
The second major issue is taxation. The country earns around a trillion pounds each year, and about half of that is taken by the government. They spend this money providing vital things like the army, the National Health Service, pensions and the Millennium Dome.
-The Liberal Democrats want to raise taxes, and strangely seem to be advertising the fact.
-Labour want to raise taxes, but have the decency to lie about it.
-The Conservatives want to cut taxes, and fire people when they don't lie about it.
-The BNP insist we wouldn't need to pay taxes if it wasn't for all those sponging bastard asylum seeking bastard spongers.
The third major issue of the election is Iraq. Were we right to invade in the first place? Should we now be pulling our troops out? Did the Prime Minister deliberately mislead the country over weapons of mass destruction? These questions, among others, weigh heavily upon the average voter as he considers against whose name to place his cross.
-Labour think that they're just right and we should stop asking questions now.
-The Conservatives backed the war when it started, but have gone strangely quiet since it turned out not to have been the best idea since slicing bread after all.
-The Liberal Democrats opposed the war all along, and are now looking strangely smug.
-The BNP think a hundred thousand dead foreigners is a good start, but are wondering what's taking so long.
Finally come public services. The main parties regularly come up with headline-grabbing initiatives to save the railways or the NHS, and in all the excitement it's easy to forget what they said. The politicians are more guilty of this than most. So what do they actually intend to do about public services? The policies may be summarised as follows;
-The Liberal Democrats want to increase spending until they start to work properly.
-The Conservatives would cut taxes until they couldn't afford to run any public services, so would privatise them wherever possible.
-The Labour Party have already privatised air traffic control, hospitals, schools and the London Underground, but use sneaky three letter acronyms like 'PPP' or 'PFI' instead of the word 'privatise' so that you don't notice. They plan more of the same.
-The BNP were privatised in 2002. But, because they have a sneaky three letter acronym, you didn't notice.
While there are other issues on the table, such as the Liberal Democrats' policy of compulsory silly names for candidates ('Lembit Opik' and 'Sir Menzies Campbell' to name but two) or the Conservatives' policy of statutory minimums for bandwaggons jumped upon, we have covered the four that form the basis of the election campaign. You now know all that you need to, and to avoid unnecessary boredom you are advised to avoid watching the news or reading the papers until after the election. In just over two weeks you will feel the warm, fuzzy glow of casting your vote, and can return to reading about celebrity boob jobs for another five years.
Today, we begin with a discussion of the major issues and a summary of what the parties say about each. In later articles, we will move on to directly telling you what to think, and we hope to bring you the election results sometime around May 2nd, allowing you to spend the rest of that week in bed.
When the Labour Party unveiled their election banner reading "Who do you want running the country?", they were uncharacteristically direct and to the point. Many people consider this question when deciding how to vote. Opinion here is divided perhaps more than anywhere else.
-The Labour Party think it should be Tony Blair.
-The Conservatives think it should be Michael Howard.
-The Liberal Democrats think it should be Charles Kennedy, but know this just isn't going to happen.
-The British National Party think it should be Nick Griffin, but realise it's tricky to run a country from a prison cell.
The second major issue is taxation. The country earns around a trillion pounds each year, and about half of that is taken by the government. They spend this money providing vital things like the army, the National Health Service, pensions and the Millennium Dome.
-The Liberal Democrats want to raise taxes, and strangely seem to be advertising the fact.
-Labour want to raise taxes, but have the decency to lie about it.
-The Conservatives want to cut taxes, and fire people when they don't lie about it.
-The BNP insist we wouldn't need to pay taxes if it wasn't for all those sponging bastard asylum seeking bastard spongers.
The third major issue of the election is Iraq. Were we right to invade in the first place? Should we now be pulling our troops out? Did the Prime Minister deliberately mislead the country over weapons of mass destruction? These questions, among others, weigh heavily upon the average voter as he considers against whose name to place his cross.
-Labour think that they're just right and we should stop asking questions now.
-The Conservatives backed the war when it started, but have gone strangely quiet since it turned out not to have been the best idea since slicing bread after all.
-The Liberal Democrats opposed the war all along, and are now looking strangely smug.
-The BNP think a hundred thousand dead foreigners is a good start, but are wondering what's taking so long.
Finally come public services. The main parties regularly come up with headline-grabbing initiatives to save the railways or the NHS, and in all the excitement it's easy to forget what they said. The politicians are more guilty of this than most. So what do they actually intend to do about public services? The policies may be summarised as follows;
-The Liberal Democrats want to increase spending until they start to work properly.
-The Conservatives would cut taxes until they couldn't afford to run any public services, so would privatise them wherever possible.
-The Labour Party have already privatised air traffic control, hospitals, schools and the London Underground, but use sneaky three letter acronyms like 'PPP' or 'PFI' instead of the word 'privatise' so that you don't notice. They plan more of the same.
-The BNP were privatised in 2002. But, because they have a sneaky three letter acronym, you didn't notice.
While there are other issues on the table, such as the Liberal Democrats' policy of compulsory silly names for candidates ('Lembit Opik' and 'Sir Menzies Campbell' to name but two) or the Conservatives' policy of statutory minimums for bandwaggons jumped upon, we have covered the four that form the basis of the election campaign. You now know all that you need to, and to avoid unnecessary boredom you are advised to avoid watching the news or reading the papers until after the election. In just over two weeks you will feel the warm, fuzzy glow of casting your vote, and can return to reading about celebrity boob jobs for another five years.
