The World... Explained #6: Toenails
The quest for knowledge is not a selective one: the truly wise want to learn about everything. At Project Brainstorm, we are not truly wise, or indeed wise, or, for that matter, truly, but it is right on our To Do list after redecorating the inside of the chicken coup with a madras sauce. And so, we ask the universe, "what else must we learn?" And the universe responds, "Please sir, take a ticket and wait in line". For at the delicatessen of information, some servings come in plastic tubs, some come in polythene wrapping, but all are now measured using the metric scale and are priced accordingly.
For everything needs an explanation. A thing without a reason is like a brick on the staircase: you keep on tripping over it at night. All thinks have a purpose, but sometimes those purposes are harder to see. Often we focus on the big topics and miss the little ones, though they too have a reason. So, to make an attempt to address this tragic imbalance, we present Toenails... Explained*.
It may not be obvious when you look at them, but toenails are very much like fingernails, only they grow in the wrong place. That is to say, they grow in the right place for toenails, but the wrong place for fingernails. It is not uncommon to find a fingernail that has not paid attention and grown on the toe instead, though they would never admit their mistake. Occasionally, prospective nails miss the mark entirely and end up behind the left ear, where they experience a mild vertigo, sometimes with rice.
Toenails, like all nails, are made of a thick plastic that does not rust. Young toenails are around one to two inches long, though a fully-grown adult toenail could reach in excess of forty yards. The longest recorded toenail was so big it had to be measured in minutes, and reached nineteen hours. The shortest was zero centimetres and owned by Ryan Macclough of Huddersfield, England. Many dispute that there actually wasn't a toenail there at all, but Guinness officials ruled the record was allowed. Toenails even shorter than this were allegedly found on the remains of a prehistoric male discovered in South California, but the body was lost in a bin before it could be properly verified.
Of course, most people choose to trim their toenails. In ancient times, this was done by goats that were trained to nibble the ends away. This practice was stopped when Queen Elizabeth I of England was entirely eaten by a goat that forgot to stop. Because of an ancient English law that said that any animal eating the reigning monarch should be forced to take his or her place on the throne, the goat ruled England from 1596 until its death in 1603, but did not leave an heir. It did leave a hair, which was given a place on the Royal Council of Advisors to James I. The king immediately repealed the law and fired all the Royal goats, from a cannon.
With no convenient animals around, the ruling classes of England were forced to look to other countries for pedicural replacements. In 1609, the explorer and cabbage artist Henry Hudson brought back a primitive form of nail clipper from his journeys around the Orient. The man to whom they had belonged and from whom Hudson had stolen them from was enraged the following morning to find his nail clippers had gone, and immediately declared war on England. His invasion was easily put down by the English forces when everyone else stayed at home, though he did manage to take Plymouth for a couple of hours. Since that time, nail clipping has grown in popularity and is now a recognised national pastime, behind blindfolded pantomime.
In the 1904 Olympics in St. Louis, Missouri, nail clipping was included for the first time as an Olympic sport. The gold medal was eventually won by Frenchman Jean Claude d'Claude, who clawed his was to victory after a clean round on the final day. The UK medal hopeful, Roger Teeby, was disqualified after the contest, despite finishing second, when it emerged that he wasn't even in St Louis at the time, and didn't know he was supposed to be competing. This was the one and only appearance of nail clipping at the Olympics, and in 1908 it was replaced by a small Yiddish man wearing a vest.
Of course, toenails have often been associated with controversy. In the mid 1950s, it emerged that rich young men from banks in London were taking trips to former British colonies in Africa and hunting the natives for their toenails. The toenails of Africans used to be worth thousands of pounds sterling and were used to make handles for ornamental cutlery. This was banned in 1963 when it was proven that the Africans involved did not do so voluntarily, and that most of the bodies went to waste once the toenails were removed.
This brings us to the end of a focus on toenails. We hope it has been informative, petulant, divisive, radiant, expansive, dwindling, lusty and above all, isotonic. If this topic has been of interest, read it again. You probably missed something.
*Many thanks to Alaka Prodham, a person, for suggesting the title. This has set a nice precedent. If you want something explaining, send us an email.
For everything needs an explanation. A thing without a reason is like a brick on the staircase: you keep on tripping over it at night. All thinks have a purpose, but sometimes those purposes are harder to see. Often we focus on the big topics and miss the little ones, though they too have a reason. So, to make an attempt to address this tragic imbalance, we present Toenails... Explained*.
It may not be obvious when you look at them, but toenails are very much like fingernails, only they grow in the wrong place. That is to say, they grow in the right place for toenails, but the wrong place for fingernails. It is not uncommon to find a fingernail that has not paid attention and grown on the toe instead, though they would never admit their mistake. Occasionally, prospective nails miss the mark entirely and end up behind the left ear, where they experience a mild vertigo, sometimes with rice.
Toenails, like all nails, are made of a thick plastic that does not rust. Young toenails are around one to two inches long, though a fully-grown adult toenail could reach in excess of forty yards. The longest recorded toenail was so big it had to be measured in minutes, and reached nineteen hours. The shortest was zero centimetres and owned by Ryan Macclough of Huddersfield, England. Many dispute that there actually wasn't a toenail there at all, but Guinness officials ruled the record was allowed. Toenails even shorter than this were allegedly found on the remains of a prehistoric male discovered in South California, but the body was lost in a bin before it could be properly verified.
Of course, most people choose to trim their toenails. In ancient times, this was done by goats that were trained to nibble the ends away. This practice was stopped when Queen Elizabeth I of England was entirely eaten by a goat that forgot to stop. Because of an ancient English law that said that any animal eating the reigning monarch should be forced to take his or her place on the throne, the goat ruled England from 1596 until its death in 1603, but did not leave an heir. It did leave a hair, which was given a place on the Royal Council of Advisors to James I. The king immediately repealed the law and fired all the Royal goats, from a cannon.
With no convenient animals around, the ruling classes of England were forced to look to other countries for pedicural replacements. In 1609, the explorer and cabbage artist Henry Hudson brought back a primitive form of nail clipper from his journeys around the Orient. The man to whom they had belonged and from whom Hudson had stolen them from was enraged the following morning to find his nail clippers had gone, and immediately declared war on England. His invasion was easily put down by the English forces when everyone else stayed at home, though he did manage to take Plymouth for a couple of hours. Since that time, nail clipping has grown in popularity and is now a recognised national pastime, behind blindfolded pantomime.
In the 1904 Olympics in St. Louis, Missouri, nail clipping was included for the first time as an Olympic sport. The gold medal was eventually won by Frenchman Jean Claude d'Claude, who clawed his was to victory after a clean round on the final day. The UK medal hopeful, Roger Teeby, was disqualified after the contest, despite finishing second, when it emerged that he wasn't even in St Louis at the time, and didn't know he was supposed to be competing. This was the one and only appearance of nail clipping at the Olympics, and in 1908 it was replaced by a small Yiddish man wearing a vest.
Of course, toenails have often been associated with controversy. In the mid 1950s, it emerged that rich young men from banks in London were taking trips to former British colonies in Africa and hunting the natives for their toenails. The toenails of Africans used to be worth thousands of pounds sterling and were used to make handles for ornamental cutlery. This was banned in 1963 when it was proven that the Africans involved did not do so voluntarily, and that most of the bodies went to waste once the toenails were removed.
This brings us to the end of a focus on toenails. We hope it has been informative, petulant, divisive, radiant, expansive, dwindling, lusty and above all, isotonic. If this topic has been of interest, read it again. You probably missed something.
*Many thanks to Alaka Prodham, a person, for suggesting the title. This has set a nice precedent. If you want something explaining, send us an email.
