The Airport Check-In
Today, I went to the airport
-------------------------------------------
Assistant: Good morning local time, sir, could I see your passport please?
Me: Yes, here you go.
Assistant: Thank you. You're booked for flight 12A, leaving from gate 12A.
Me: That's right. Flying at?
Assistant: 12A hundred hours. I have to ask you a few questions at this point, sir. Is that OK?
Me: Yes.
Assistant: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Assistant: Wonderful. And here's some more. Did you pack yourself?
Me: I did, but it was a bit stuffy in there, so I unpacked myself and bought this ticket instead.
Assistant: A good idea. Have they, at any point, been out of your sight?
Me: No, they've been in my wallet the whole time.
Assistant: I mean the bags.
Me: No, they had to come out of my wallet, because I didn't have space for my tickets.
Assistant: And have they been out of your sight since?
Me: Oh yes. They spent the last twelve months in a cupboard that I only watch half the time.
Assistant: Really? Is it possible they have been tampered with by someone during that time?
Me: I don't think so.
Assistant: Is it not possible that a man could have learned about your bags through an underground network of luggage surveillance experts and broken into your house by scaling your wall with a rope then swinging through the upstairs window? Once inside, could he not have rolled across the carpet, snuck past the guards into the room with the bags, avoiding the alarmed floor by use of a series of pulleys to carry him across the ceiling, then left an unmarked package inside the bag that he had transported in his own stomach to avoid detection?
Me: Oh, definitely not.
Assistant: Why?
Me: Our floors aren't carpeted.
Assistant: Well that's fine then. Do you have any sharp items in your hand luggage?
Me: Yes. I have a Sharp Viewcam, a Sharp calculator, and a 28-inch widescreen microwave.
Assistant: I'm afraid you're going to have to leave those here. Do you have anything else that may be dangerous in that bag?
Me: A jumper?
Assistant: Could strangle the pilot.
Me: A reading book?
Assistant: Hardback?
Me: Yes.
Assistant: Blunt instrument.
Me: I meant no.
Assistant: Fire hazard.
Me: Well, what about my reading glasses?
Assistant: You could use them to conceal your identity.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Assistant: You would if you had just strangled the pilot, beaten him to death and set fire to his remains.
Me: But you just took all that stuff off me.
Assistant: Do you have a glasses lens cloth?
Me: Yes.
Assistant: Then you're back in business. I'm very sorry, but that will all have to go in with the luggage.
Me: This all seems rather much...
Assistant: Your baggage now exceeds the maximum weight limit. There will be an extra charge.
Me: Because you made me put it all there!
Assistant: You can never to be careful. They let all sorts onto aeroplanes these days. Just now I had to stop a man from trying to board with a dangerous looking hat.
Me: The pilot?
Assistant: Yes, I think that's what it said on the hat.
-------------------------------------------
Assistant: Good morning local time, sir, could I see your passport please?
Me: Yes, here you go.
Assistant: Thank you. You're booked for flight 12A, leaving from gate 12A.
Me: That's right. Flying at?
Assistant: 12A hundred hours. I have to ask you a few questions at this point, sir. Is that OK?
Me: Yes.
Assistant: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Assistant: Wonderful. And here's some more. Did you pack yourself?
Me: I did, but it was a bit stuffy in there, so I unpacked myself and bought this ticket instead.
Assistant: A good idea. Have they, at any point, been out of your sight?
Me: No, they've been in my wallet the whole time.
Assistant: I mean the bags.
Me: No, they had to come out of my wallet, because I didn't have space for my tickets.
Assistant: And have they been out of your sight since?
Me: Oh yes. They spent the last twelve months in a cupboard that I only watch half the time.
Assistant: Really? Is it possible they have been tampered with by someone during that time?
Me: I don't think so.
Assistant: Is it not possible that a man could have learned about your bags through an underground network of luggage surveillance experts and broken into your house by scaling your wall with a rope then swinging through the upstairs window? Once inside, could he not have rolled across the carpet, snuck past the guards into the room with the bags, avoiding the alarmed floor by use of a series of pulleys to carry him across the ceiling, then left an unmarked package inside the bag that he had transported in his own stomach to avoid detection?
Me: Oh, definitely not.
Assistant: Why?
Me: Our floors aren't carpeted.
Assistant: Well that's fine then. Do you have any sharp items in your hand luggage?
Me: Yes. I have a Sharp Viewcam, a Sharp calculator, and a 28-inch widescreen microwave.
Assistant: I'm afraid you're going to have to leave those here. Do you have anything else that may be dangerous in that bag?
Me: A jumper?
Assistant: Could strangle the pilot.
Me: A reading book?
Assistant: Hardback?
Me: Yes.
Assistant: Blunt instrument.
Me: I meant no.
Assistant: Fire hazard.
Me: Well, what about my reading glasses?
Assistant: You could use them to conceal your identity.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Assistant: You would if you had just strangled the pilot, beaten him to death and set fire to his remains.
Me: But you just took all that stuff off me.
Assistant: Do you have a glasses lens cloth?
Me: Yes.
Assistant: Then you're back in business. I'm very sorry, but that will all have to go in with the luggage.
Me: This all seems rather much...
Assistant: Your baggage now exceeds the maximum weight limit. There will be an extra charge.
Me: Because you made me put it all there!
Assistant: You can never to be careful. They let all sorts onto aeroplanes these days. Just now I had to stop a man from trying to board with a dangerous looking hat.
Me: The pilot?
Assistant: Yes, I think that's what it said on the hat.
