Breaking News: Ministers Confirm Past 

Several top government ministers have been forced into revealing that they have each had a past before joining the government. When questioned, government officials admitted to a series of events and occurrences dating back until practically their earliest memories. While this is still relatively common amongst many career backbenchers and throughout the lesser opposition parties, it has generally been considered impossible for someone to manage both a successful political career and an active personal history.

The issue was raised earlier in the week when Jacqui Smith, the Home Secretary and well-known television personality, alluded to a story from what was later shown to be her childhood. Statements of denial were issued at first by the government, but when further such stories were discovered to be rife amongst the frontbench, the statement of denial was altered slightly to include a section on how it was all true.

The government retaliated by emphasising that such stories attract attention away from real policy debates, and was trying to move past them. “There is a concern with these stories that by talking about specific details, we will generate unwanted headlines and fuel further speculation, ” Labour spokesman Tim Ablestump told Project Brainstorm last night, “It’s not like we beat up old ladies on the roadside and steal their money to gamble on underground midget fights”. A public statement from the Prime Minister last night reinforced the position of the government, sources close to Gordon Brown have revealed.

Several revelations may be very embarrassing to the government. Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs Hilary Benn disclosed details of how had once lived in a small city. “I did live in a city. I am not proud of it. I was wrong. Cities are wrong”, he said later. Also under fire is Alan Johnson who confirmed that at the age of seven he refused to take his cough medicine because he “didn’t really like the taste”. Mr Johnson is the new Health Secretary and is now responsible for fixing the nation’s coughing.

The Conservatives have not entirely escaped this unwanted media attention. “Its not like we frequently beat up old ladies on the roadside and steal their money to gamble on underground midget fights”, a Tory spokesperson said.