Late Night Radio Show 

DJ: Welcome back. You are listening to Tony Fumble. We’re here all night taking your calls on your relationship problems. I believe we have a caller on the line. Hello, caller, what’s your name?

Caller: Hi Tony, my name is Mr. Freeman.

DJ: Hello Mr. Freeman, welcome to the show, what do you want to talk about tonight?

Caller: I’m a married man, Tony, but I’ve just started having an affair. I don’t know whether I should tell me wife.

DJ: OK, a common dilemma on this show. Well, let me ask you what I ask everyone on this show: do you and your wife have an honest relationship?

Caller: I tell her we do, yes.

DJ: Very good. And now let’s put this affair into context. How long have you been married?

Caller: The best part of seven years.

DJ: And what, if we are going to be precise, is the best part of seven years?

Caller: The evenings, I would say.

DJ: I would say that too. Now tell me this, how long have you been having this affair?

Caller: It’s hard to say exactly, Tony, as it really kind of happened over a period of time, but if I were going to be precise, I would say about forty-five minutes.

DJ: Forty-five minutes, right. So you could say it was quite a recent development.

Caller: I think that would be quite accurate, yes.

DJ: Good. Now let me see if I understand what is going on here. You meet this girl, this girl ends up back at your house, after she leaves you begin to feel guilty, and so you are now not sure what to do next?

Caller: No, that is not quite right.

DJ: You do not feel guilty?

Caller: No, she hasn’t left.

DJ: I see. She is still there.

Caller: She is. She’s right here. Say hello, Lauren.

Lauren: Is this going to take long?

Caller: I’ll be right back with you in a minute.

DJ: I think I misunderstood you earlier. When you said, earlier, that you were having affair, you in fact meant you were having an affair right at this very moment.

Caller: I am mid-affair, yes. It is presently occupying a large portion of my attention.

DJ: I did not realise. I can not hear much noise at your end.

Caller: Well, we turned the music down.

DJ: I see. So you have brought this girl home for the purpose of starting, and at some point soon I would suppose, concluding an affair.

Caller: Correct.

DJ: You wife was away, you got a little lonely, maybe you thought you could get away with it.

Caller: No, that is not quite right, either.

DJ: You were not feeling lonely?

Caller: My wife is not away.

DJ: So she is…?

Caller: Right here next to us. Asleep.

DJ: Mr Freeman, may I ask, have you and your wife been having any problems in your relationship? Specifically any problems in the bedroom?

Caller: Not really. Except, of course, that there is currently an additional person in it, although this is really only something I’ve picked up on so far.

DJ: And you have called in, Mr Freeman, to ask me whether you should, at this time, wake up your wife and let her know that you are having an affair, next to her, whilst she sleeps?

Caller: Yes, except I’d like to know how to do it in a way that makes it seem like this is somehow my wife’s fault.

DJ: You want to blame her?

Caller: Yes, that could work. [muted] Darling, darling, wake up. It’s OK. WHO ON EARTH IS THIS? Who is this woman? In our marital bed, as well. Oh, it makes me feel sick.

[The line goes quiet for a few seconds]

DJ: Well, listeners, I think we’ve lost Mr Freeman…

Wife: Hello? Tony?

DJ: Ah. Hi, Jane. Has Mark gone?

Wife: He ran straight out the room. I think he’s in the shed.

DJ: I’ve got to tell you, Jane, these things are getting wierder and wierder.

Wife: I know. But it seems to make him happy.

DJ: I guess. Are you coming round later?

Wife: Sure. One second. What’s that, Lauren? Oh, sorry. Yes, you can go now.