Breaking News: Bank Customers Lose Confidence "In Everything"
The recent financial distress of the Northern Rock bank has had a massively detrimental effect confidence, experts have concluded. It seems that this is not constrained to money matters: many people have lost faith in practically every aspect of their lives.
The trouble began last Friday, when Northern Rock announced it had received emergency loans from the UK central bank, as it was temporarily struggling to access cash following the credit crunch last month. Savers responded immediately to news that Northern Rock was short of available cash by asking for all their cash back. Falling confidence in the operations of the bank caused many to question other taken-for-granted areas.
Agriculture was the first to be affected - most farmers and gardeners have dug up all their seeds over the weekend. "We're supposed to trust the soil to keep our seeds safe and turn them into food? It's too much of a risk - we might never see them again," said one gardener, hacking into the ground with a spade. On Monday morning, parents were seen queueing outside of schools, hoping to retrieve their children from the public education system. "The whole system could fall apart at any time," one concerned parent told Breaking News, as she hacked into the school walls with a spade.
Most concerning has been the dramatic fall in self-confidence. The government has issued strong statements of support, telling everyone that they are really good, but so far these have mainly been disregarded. "How can the government be so sure that we are really good? I, for one, don't feel like I can trust myself right now - I feel like I'm going to make a stupid, rash decision at almost any moment," said Martin Trunkett, a Northern Rock customer who was queuing up to close his account. An interesting side-effect of this event has been the increased attendance at churches - the Anglican faith in particular has a long tradition of providing support to people who don't want to believe in anything any more.
Thankfully, the panic in the north of the country has yet to reach the south, where people are more sophisticated and drink mocha lattes. Slight cracks in this outlook were seen earlier today, however, when one person's coffee cup was accidentally hacked into with a spade.
The trouble began last Friday, when Northern Rock announced it had received emergency loans from the UK central bank, as it was temporarily struggling to access cash following the credit crunch last month. Savers responded immediately to news that Northern Rock was short of available cash by asking for all their cash back. Falling confidence in the operations of the bank caused many to question other taken-for-granted areas.
Agriculture was the first to be affected - most farmers and gardeners have dug up all their seeds over the weekend. "We're supposed to trust the soil to keep our seeds safe and turn them into food? It's too much of a risk - we might never see them again," said one gardener, hacking into the ground with a spade. On Monday morning, parents were seen queueing outside of schools, hoping to retrieve their children from the public education system. "The whole system could fall apart at any time," one concerned parent told Breaking News, as she hacked into the school walls with a spade.
Most concerning has been the dramatic fall in self-confidence. The government has issued strong statements of support, telling everyone that they are really good, but so far these have mainly been disregarded. "How can the government be so sure that we are really good? I, for one, don't feel like I can trust myself right now - I feel like I'm going to make a stupid, rash decision at almost any moment," said Martin Trunkett, a Northern Rock customer who was queuing up to close his account. An interesting side-effect of this event has been the increased attendance at churches - the Anglican faith in particular has a long tradition of providing support to people who don't want to believe in anything any more.
Thankfully, the panic in the north of the country has yet to reach the south, where people are more sophisticated and drink mocha lattes. Slight cracks in this outlook were seen earlier today, however, when one person's coffee cup was accidentally hacked into with a spade.
