Breaking News: “Old-Person Racer” Straw Defends Witness Anonymity 

A &pound 6 million murder trial has been brought to an end by a Law Lords ruling that statements by anonymous witness are not admissable testimony, stating that the accused have the right to face their accusers and that defence lawyers should be able to test the credibility of any evidence presented.

Justice Minister Jack Straw stated afterwards that the law should always protect the innocent from the dangerous, and situations where the the innocent are asked to testify against the dangerous places the innocent at great risk of retribution from the dangerous, especially given how dangerous the innocent said he is. He suggested that changes to the law may be proposed in the next few days, to prevent those on trial escape answering for the crimes they certainly committed given their now-inevitable convictions.

However, the Ministry of Justice may be sidetracked in the coming days by allegations that Mr Straw is a member of an underground organisation that races old people, according to a man. The society meets every Sunday and bets on which of the five 80-year olds is first to get around a military assault course, it has been rumoured. There has been speculation that at these events, the winner is the first to crawl over the finish line and claim their only meal of the week – a plate of crisps.

It is likely that upon hearing these claims, the minister would deny them strenuously. However, those close to the story suggest that such denials are to be expected, and that stronger proof would be needed to convince everyone that he wasn’t involved in the forced running of any pensioners, such as listing all the places he knew that did not host such events. The word around Westminister is that Mr Straw is devastated these stories came out so soon before next weekend’s revelations that he believes Chinese people and black people sound the same.

Obviously, this is a story that could easily spin out-of-control due to media conjecture. You can be assured, however that Project Brainstorm places the highest value on the truth. The decision to run this story in the first place was only made after it been broken by a website with near-identical values: this one. As a result, a government minister has been forced into a desperate situation, which makes him dangerous, or so we’ve been told.