Breaking News: Gay Bishops Break From Anglican Church Over Tolerance Towards Conservatives 

A group of Anglican bishops has today declared it’s decision to form an independent alliance, seperate from the Church’s traditional authority, as part of the ongoing row over the Church’s continual tolerance of conservatives.

The group, called the Furthering Anglicanism General Conference – or FAGCon – comprises clergy who support a progressive interpretation of the Bible, and as such are gay, or in some cases, well gay. The real impetus for the split appears to have be the ordination of the first openly conservative bishop, in 1534.

The split comes only days after traditionalists broke off ties with the more liberal wings of the Church over a long-standing dispute over its teaching of a “false gospel” based around tolerance and equality. There are a number of areas, conservatives Anglicans feel are misrepresented in the modern Church. Most attention, however, has focused on the Biblical teachings about homosexuality, especially where this homosexuality is gay, or even well gay. Conservatives believe the Bible rules out active homosexuality, though its position on passive homosexuality – such as wearing a sports top with your own name on it or using the word “banter” as a noun – is unclear.

They are keen to stress they are not orthodoxaphobic, but rather are concerned with the conservative agenda the Church has recently taken since the abolition of the monastries. Among some of the points causing the rift is the conservative belief that Anglicans should follow a universal doctrine. Gay and well gay Anglicans reject this notion, and hope to restore an acceptance of differing personal worship to all followers without exception. Conservative Anglicans believe that to be an Anglican involves sharing a single common doctrine, as no follower has the right to take unilateral decisions seperate from that consensus, and are willing to split the church in two to achieve it.

The two schisms this week could mean the Anglican Communion now has a much smaller body of clergy – indeed, if it were to comprise all the non-gay, non-conservative members, it would be exactly the size of Dr Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury. However, much like the traditionalists, the group insist they are not leaving the Anglican Communion, but that they will no longer recognise the authority of the Dr Williams, who they have criticised for failing to discipline churches for not being women, or even well women.

 


Breaking News: EU bans criticising EU bans 

A new European law has been introduced that effectively outlaws complaining about new European laws which have led to a ban on almost every aspect of British life.

A spokesman in Brussels told Breaking News over the telephone that the new laws were necessary as existing levels of complaining about the EU contained less than 20% of actual truth – far below the acceptable limit – while in the background he silently wiped the sweat off of his brow with a photograph of the Queen.

Rows between British people and European bureaucrats are nothing new. The latest complaint came about last week when it was reported the the EU had banned the acre, an antiquated unit of measuring area that lies somewhere between a metre and a tonne. Not content with simply asking people to use a common unit of measurement for measuring land space, the EU have gone further and outlawed actual acres, forcing local councils to seize any areas of land that span acres and replace them with hectares of new ground, many of which have to come from abroad.

This was too much for critics in Britain, a country, they claim, that was built on the acre, which was much bigger back then. There is also a concern that this move could pave the way for the abolition of other common measurements like the mile. “That could dramatically change the look of our towns and cities and highways” observed Martin Sleaping, a prominent anti-EU campaigner and waltz enthusiast. “When I drive around France I see these signs that say things like, ‘Montpellier 45km’,” he continued, “can you imagine how disconcerting it would be to see a sign like that in England?”

Not everyone is against such regulation, of course. It has been argued that the standardisation of certain measures is desirable as we interact more with different cultures within Europe, as it helps simplify transactions between them. For example, when two countries are arguing about the correct level of farm subsidies, it can cause problems when one side isn’t budging an inch if the other side has to try and remember how many centimetres that means they also shouldn’t budge.

Reaction within the media to the new law has been muted. There were rumblings from one tabloid, but this later turned out to be a semi-conscious cat, and not even a very well-written one. A number of broadsheets did go as far as to describe the new measures as “text-based” and “punctuated”, but for now, at least, no-one has spoken out of behalf of the British public, and mentioned how very excellent they think it all is.

 


Breaking News: Gay Bishops Break From Anglican Church Over Tolerance Towards Conservatives 

A group of Anglican bishops has today declared it’s decision to form an independent alliance, seperate from the Church’s traditional authority, as part of the ongoing row over the Church’s continual tolerance of conservatives.

The group, called the Furthering Anglicanism General Conference – or FAGCon – comprises clergy who support a progressive interpretation of the Bible, and as such are gay, or in some cases, well gay. The real impetus for the split appears to have be the ordination of the first openly conservative bishop, in 1534.

The split comes only days after traditionalists broke off ties with the more liberal wings of the Church over a long-standing dispute over its teaching of a “false gospel” based around tolerance and equality. There are a number of areas, conservatives Anglicans feel are misrepresented in the modern Church. Most attention, however, has focused on the Biblical teachings about homosexuality, especially where this homosexuality is gay, or even well gay. Conservatives believe the Bible rules out active homosexuality, though its position on passive homosexuality – such as wearing a sports top with your own name on it or using the word “banter” as a noun – is unclear.

They are keen to stress they are not orthodoxaphobic, but rather are concerned with the conservative agenda the Church has recently taken since the abolition of the monastries. Among some of the points causing the rift is the conservative belief that Anglicans should follow a universal doctrine. Gay and well gay Anglicans reject this notion, and hope to restore an acceptance of differing personal worship to all followers without exception. Conservative Anglicans believe that to be an Anglican involves sharing a single common doctrine, as no follower has the right to take unilateral decisions seperate from that consensus, and are willing to split the church in two to achieve it.

The two schisms this week could mean the Anglican Communion now has a much smaller body of clergy – indeed, if it were to comprise all the non-gay, non-conservative members, it would be exactly the size of Dr Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury. However, much like the traditionalists, the group insist they are not leaving the Anglican Communion, but that they will no longer recognise the authority of the Dr Williams, who they have criticised for failing to discipline churches for not being women, or even well women.